I can't believe what is equivalent to another trimester has passed since I gave birth to my sweet baby boy. It was by far one of the most monumental days of my life to date and thought I would share the beautiful story that belongs to my husband, Elijah, and myself.
I got some pretty amazing feedback from a
blog post my dear friend and photographer extraordinaire, Allison Lewis, posted and shared via social media after the birth. Honestly, I was a bit nervous. They are vulnerable photos and the home birth my husband and I confidently pursued is not so common nor esteemed in our neck of the woods. People could not have been more kind or encouraging though and it felt good to have others affirm a decision in which we felt we were constantly swimming upstream. I am glad these photos could serve as a window into the beautiful world of natural childbirth and I hope this story serves as the backdrop for the images that Allison captured of Elijah's first breath. Disclaimer: I would by no means describe my retelling graphic, but if words like placenta and breast freak you out, I would stop reading:-).
Our decision to pursue a natural home birth was not one we made lightly or even early on in our pregnancy. It was both a process and a journey for us. I am a pharmacist by training, but over the past couple of years, one of my greatest passions has become natural childbirth. After reading many books, becoming a certified birth doula, attending a home birth, and attending Bradley classes we both became committed to a natural birthing experience and a home birth specifically with a trained midwife barring any complications. Along with our wonderful midwife, we also saw an OB who would have backed us up if any complications would have arisen and transport to a hospital would have been necessary.
I thankfully remained very low risk my entire pregnancy and worked hard to be as healthy as possible. I tried to mentally prepare to be "overdue" because I did not want to resort to rushing him or the process in any way. I felt confident that he would come when he was ready. I worked my full time job as a pharmacist right up until the end. I finished my last day of work the Thursday before my due date on Sunday. I was able to spend Friday spiritually preparing for birth with a great time of worship, prayer, reading, and meditating on Scripture. On Saturday, I woke up with menstrual like cramps and a strong lower back ache. I knew I wasn't in labor, but I did want to push myself to be active that day because I was so ready to meet him. I went and walked one of our favorite disc golf courses while Ryan played that morning and we worked in the yard all afternoon. I continued to have steady cramps and a backache all day, but no other symptoms. I went to bed early around 9pm unknowing of what was ahead of me.
My first real contraction woke me up a few hours later at 12am on Sunday morning. I dealt with them initially by myself and tried to sleep, but ended up needing Ryan's help around 2am and wanted him to know I thought I was in early labor. Ryan would rub my back during the contractions while I labored in a side lying position. We both tried to sleep in between contractions knowing we would need to save our energy. We were able to continue like this until around 4am when nausea set in and I started vomiting. Ryan must have had sympathy pains because the man who never gets sick started to feel terrible. He had a bad headache and felt nauseous as well. I tried eating something, but could not keep anything down. Ryan made me some ginger tea while I dealt with contractions on the birth ball. Around 6am, I texted my midwife to let her know what was happening as well as my doulas and chiropractor. It was a rainy April day and knowing that labor was imminent, we began prepping the house for what was ahead. I eventually decided to take a shower which slowed down my contractions a little. I then decided to try baking a "groaning cake". I would totally recommend baking in early labor if you enjoy cooking because it took me all morning and served as a great distraction. My chiropractor came to my house and adjusted me around 9am to help me be in my best alignment for birth. Ryan and I continued relaxing through contractions until around 12:30pm when my midwife came. We gave up timing them long ago, but knew they were getting longer, stronger, and closer together. I eventually decided that I wanted my midwife to check me for dilation to see how far I had progressed. I was a little hesitant to have her check me because I have seen the dilation number serve as a mental block for many laboring women when they think they should be further than they are and I did not want anything making me feel like I could not do this. When she finally checked me I had progressed to 5 cm and I gave my doulas the green light to go ahead and come assist me since I was now confident that I was in active labor. I am glad I did because labor picked up pretty steadily from that point forward. Ryan never left my side for one minute. When the doulas came, he was able to go fill the birth tub for me, but then was back at my side. He was my rock, pillar of strength, and biggest encourager. I was thankful for some extra hands though and the expertise that doulas bring when they arrived because in the moment, you just cant deal with contractions well and remember all of those laboring positions, to stay hydrated, to empty your bladder, relax your facial muscles and other spots of tension, etc. They also bring a very calming and comforting presence and truly believe you can birth your baby naturally. In my opinion, they are vital to your birth team.
My doulas were impressed with how well I was handling contractions when they got there. I really feel like the relaxation exercises Ryan and I continually practiced through our Bradley classes were to thank. They began helping me change and try different positions, they rubbed my back, gave me massages, read Scripture to me, played relaxing music etc. My contractions were steadily coming around 3pm when Allison, my friend and birth photographer arrived so insert beautiful pictures here. I was able to smile and acknowledge her arriving, but quickly had to focus on dealing with my contractions once again.
My midwife voiced that she thought is was time to get in the tub if I still desired to labor in the water, but I was hesitant. I wanted to get in, but did not want my labor to slow down because I was progressing so steadily and I knew warm water has a way of sometimes making you relax too much. She assured me that she thought I was far enough along where I would not have to worry about things slowing down, so Ryan and I got in. I cannot emphasize enough how Ryan was my rock the whole time. There was not one second that he was not rubbing, massaging, loving, or encouraging me in some way. The hot water ran out in our house while he was filling up the tub, so the doulas boiled water for us to add periodically. I was really in the zone during my time in the tub and have trouble remembering certain details and emotions. My body was just doing what it needed to do to open up and have this baby. I remember the hot water being added and feeling overheated. I remember crying out to Jesus for help and strength. I remember "What a friend we have in Jesus" coming on the iPod and starting to tear up and cry because that was Elijah's hymn I had dedicated to him earlier on in pregnancy and sang to him often. I remember Scripture being read to me. I remember leaning into Ryan with each surge I felt and being so comforted by his presence. I remember drifting off into sleep even at one point.
My midwife decided to check me again while I was in the tub and I was at 10 cm and ready to push. I was shocked to have progressed so far. I kept waiting for "transition" to hit where I started screaming, begging for an epidural, asking to go to the hospital, and reverberating that this was the dumbest idea I ever had to have my baby at home, but....that moment never came. I have my incredible birth team to thank for emotionally and physically supporting me so well. I remember saying something to the effect of: "Well, we are really going to have this baby at home…there is no purpose in going to the hospital now." I felt overheated and wanted to get out of the tub to try and push. I expected to have these insatiable urges to push, but they never came. Even though I had dilated to 10cm, he was still stationed at 0 in my pelvis, so he was not far enough down for me to really feel that pressure. I went to the bathroom for a while and tried pushing on my hands and knees when a contraction would come, but found that to be ineffective. Pushing was so difficult for me because I kept waiting for something that never seemed to come. I was beyond ready to have this baby out and frustrated that this stage of labor was taking longer than I wanted or expected. I also felt like I never got my second wind like most women tend to get during the pushing stage of labor and felt totally exhausted. We went to our bed and I tried pushing while leaning against Ryan. This was not going anywhere, so I tried pushing on my side as well as at one point squatting while holding onto my midwifes head. I know I mentally hit a point where I just knew I had to get him out and I could not sit around waiting for the urge to push that was not coming. I turned off my brain at that point and just pushed. The sounds coming out of me at this point were unrecognizable. I was groaning, straining, yelling, etc….anything I needed to do to get this baby out. I even stood up at one point on the bed from my squatting position. In retrospect, I still feel like I was pushing ineffectively and burned tons of energy that could have been saved, but I did what I had to do in that moment. I can't even say I felt the infamous "ring of fire" because everything felt like death and I kept trying to push through every sensation. Everyone kept trying to encourage me and tell me I was "so close", but he seemed to never come. My midwife finally said, "I have not told you that you were close once, but now I am telling you that you are close, so give me a few more pushes". I pushed with everything I didn't even know was inside of me and it was enough! My son was born! They placed him immediately on my chest and I can't even describe the euphoria of that moment. I could not believe that I was done, that I had birthed my son.
He was so much bigger than I imagined and had SO much hair. My husband and I were both overcome with emotion and it was the sweetest and most monumental moment we have shared to date. I knew at that moment, I would do it all again, but was so thankful I did not have to and that he was here. Everything else that was going on with my body like pushing out the placenta and getting a shot of pitocin due to heavy bleeding was a blur. The midwife had to apply one internal stitch, but I could have cared less about that as well because I had my baby in my arms skin to skin on my chest.
By far, one of the greatest things about having your baby at home is after the fact. Nothing was rushed. We were free to hang onto moments as long as possible...nobody was interrupting or intrusive. Nobody had an agenda or needed to get the labor and delivery room flipped for the next laboring mom. We were able to try and start nursing right away and Elijah was able to get his first bits of colostrum. Nobody was trying to rush to cut my cord and he stayed connected to me throughout the whole fourth stage of labor. When we were finally ready, Ryan cut the cord (and did a fantastic job might I add because the cord stump came out quickly a few days afterwards). My midwife did her initial assessment on Elijah and everything looked great. We all placed bets on how much he weighed and were all shocked to find he weighed 8 pounds 15 ounces, was 20.5 inches long, with a 14.5 inch head. No wonder pushing was so hard for me! Ryan held him and my doulas started helping me transition to our bathtub. I was totally in awe of what just happened and was experiencing the most amazing birth high that was my reward for laboring without medication. I got back into bed afterwards and held my beautiful baby, put him to my breast again, and then laid there enjoying the moment with my husband. The doulas and midwife cleaned everything up for us and we were free to just be. We called our parents to let them know and they both stopped by. They stayed with us a moment, but Ryan and I were able to go to sleep that night in our own bed where our baby was made months earlier and then had just been born. Everything felt so full circle in that moment. We recounted moments of labor, prayed together and over Elijah, and then Ryan fell fast asleep. I was exhausted, yet still on an emotional high. I just laid in bed admiring my baby for several hours until I finally drifted off to sleep.
I am so thankful for my birth experience and would not have traded or changed one moment of it. Everything that needed to happen happened in order to bring Elijah's sweet life into the world. My postpartum period was a little more difficult than I anticipated. I was so focused on preparing for the birth that I did not mentally and emotionally prepare for the difficulties that come with the postpartum territory. My difficulties were all physical in nature. I strangely developed a hematoma within a day or two after giving birth. They are relatively rare, but this was my "cross" of the post-partum period. I have never experienced something more nagging and painful and would often wish I was back in labor than to be dealing with my huge egg-sized hematoma. There were moments when I never thought it would go away, but the Lord continued to bring healing to my body each and every day and my body.
Birth is such a life changing experience. It is definitely a rite of passage into motherhood and will stretch and grow you in ways you didn't even think possible. I know I am a different person now having given birth than I was before. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, but also the most important. I am still amazed that my body was a vessel for bringing forth life. I praise God for the empowering experience that birth was for me, that I was able to find new dependence on Him through the process, that I was brought closer to my husband, and that through the pain, God showed his goodness and faithfulness in bringing forth new life. All praise and glory be to Him!
That's our story! Here are a few of my favorite images Allison captured.
