I wanted to post this picture to instagram on Monday, but couldn't...
I couldn't find the words with so few characters allowed to express all that I felt, so my ever faithful and loving hubs encouraged me to write down my thoughts. I have worked on expressing my thoughts, feelings, and emotions through this post all week and the Lord has used this time of reflection for my own personal growth.
I am wearing my new red and khaki uniform in that picture because I started back to work at Target Pharmacy this week. I know you are asking yourselves, well then why in the world was coming up with an instagram/facebook caption so darn difficult? You felt happy, sad, bitter-sweet....what was it?
And my answer: it's all those things and none of those things. Making the transition back to work has rocked me to my core. It has left me one broken and pitiful momma all crumpled up at the feet of her heavenly Father begging for the strength to put her baby down and walk out the door. I have dreaded this day for the past 5 months and grieved this day for the past week. I have beyond loved and treasured my time being an exclusive stay at home mom (SAHM) for my extended maternity leave and am just plain sad to close this chapter for a while and having to go back to splitting my time as a "working mom" and SAHM.
I have shed more tears over this transition than I thought possible. Birthing Elijah was painful. But leaving Elijah has been a whole different kind of pain....and I would argue worse. It lingers. It's unnatural. It can't be relieved by breathing, changing positions, or relaxing one's muscles. In fact, it plain hurts to breathe sometimes.
I have asked God why. So many times. Why is there no other way for me to stay at home full time with my baby during this season? Ryan desires for me to be home, I desire to be home, so why? We have prayed, brainstormed, sought wisdom, etc. but we always come back to the conclusion that me going back to work part-time is the best decision for our family right now. The reasons why are etched in the forefront of my mind. I go over them daily. I can coach myself through the reasons and actually feel comforted sometimes, but its dealing with the repercussions of those reasons that has been difficult.
I have yelled, kicked, and screamed at myself for taking out the loans in the first place. I have been bitter at pharmacy and all it has caused me to give up. I have agonized over the expectation that since I put so much time, money, and effort into attaining my degree, I must use it. But it wasn't so long ago that I was also contemplating selling my soul to pharmacy at the expense of my family.
I have now been of both sides of this coin. In pharmacy school, I struggled with finding my identity in pharmacy and I was guilty of judging the SAHM's in the ways SAHM's often feel judged by "working" women. I also struggled with comparing myself to other "working" women...never feeling like I was enough or that there was always more to attain. Now, I have so fully embraced being a SAHM that I have started finding my identity in being the best SAHM and I feel judged by other SAHM's for going back to work and compare myself to them as well...never feeling like enough. What a losing battle....this is the result of not find my identity in Christ alone.
The Lord is teaching me a wonderfully tough lesson that I would have assumed I had already learned from my past pharmacy school identity issues...but obviously not. I can NOT find my identity in my marriage, in my role as a mother, in my role as a keeper of the home, in the smiles /affirmation that Elijah gives me, in my work as a pharmacist, in my hobbies, etc. etc. etc. My identity has to stay hidden in the cross. If it's not, things get wonky...real fast.
I have learned the tough lesson that having peace about something does not mean it's all rainbows and butterflies. You can have peace about something and literally hate the answer. And I need to be content whatever the circumstance. I needed to be content while I was in school, while i was working full time before Elijah was born, while I was learning how to be a mother and homemaker, now as I am learning to balance motherhood and part time work, in the future as I raise more children (Lord-willing), and even in the further future when my little babies are out of the house. God is so gracious to me that He continues to use circumstances to mold me more into His image. That starts by finding my identity in Him and not in my circumstances.
As hard as this transition has been for me to step out of my role of exclusive SAHM, I would be remiss to not tell of how faithful the Lord has been to me through this process.
Here is a small list I have started of how good the Lord has been to me and how He has made this process so much easier for me and my family.
1. He provided a part-time non-floating pharmacist position in a new city where I had zero connections. I know that probably does not mean much to all the non-pharmacists reading this blog post, but trust me...its huge. Target hired me even though I had not moved across the country yet, held my position for a month while I adapted to new life and a new city (giving our family one of the sweetest months of our lives to date), and abbreviated their normal 6 week full time training schedule for me where I am only training 2 weeks full time and the remaining weeks part time. Trust me, I am not that amazing of a pharmacist and these kind of provisions are not common...that has my gracious and Sovereign Father's fingerprints all over it.
2. By God's grace, we were faithful stewards of the resources God gave us while I was working full time before Elijah was born and given our current financial plan, we should be debt free from student loans in approximately 10 months where we will then have the opportunity to reconsider whether me working is the right decision for our family. As more babies come and EH gets older, I know we will be glad we made this sacrifice now.
3. He has provided an incredible childcare option for our family. Ryan works from home now here in Seattle but works the central time zone hours so during these first few weeks of full time training, Ryan has been able to drop Elijah off at 9am and pick him back up at 3pm where EH is only away from one of us for 6 hours. And.....during that six hours, he gets to hang out with his best friend. God changed the timeline of our dear friends from Birmingham who also felt called to move to Seattle to be involved in ministry and brought them here nearly 6 months ahead of their original time table. Elijah's BFF's momma has not only been a dear friend for the past year, but she also attended Elijah's birth as one of my doulas...and she is who I would have left Him with in Birmingham. I can't even make this stuff up. God is amazing.
He created such a sweet season for our little Fee fam to enjoy over the past few months and as sad as I am to see it go, I know its for my good and His glory. Here is to the past week of putting on my big girl panties and making it through my first week back to work and to the weeks ahead of figuring out our family's new normal...while seeking contentment and finding my identity in Christ.
If you need me, I will be at the foot of the cross...
No comments:
Post a Comment